Get a Job! With all of the road closures and everything else going on, I’ve heard a lot of my friends and acquaintances who work down the hill talking seriously about finding a way to work at home. It made me wonder, if I weren’t already a freelance writer, what I could do in Crestline that would allow me to work here. All of these ideas would require new categories in the classified ads, but a lot of us could do them. The first new classification I would advertise under would be “Toilet Fixer.” No, I don’t want to be a plumber and go through all of the specialized training and apprenticeship, and buy a whole van and fill it with tools and tanks full of pressurized, flammable gases. I just want to run around with my little box of goodies in the family car and fix toilets. I served my apprenticeship on these two ancient gushers in my place, so I know how to fix everything from a running toilet, to replacing all of the guts, to ripping the whole thing out to replace the seal at the bottom, and then putting it all back in again. If it’s going to require welding, brazing or crawling under your house to turn off the water, then you know I’m not your man. But because I don’t have all that specialized training and equipment, I’m cheap, and I’ll come running like a faithful dog as soon as you call. Just don’t expect me to itemize it all for you. A plumber might spend 10 minutes and use no parts to fix your toilet. When you get the big bill, he writes all about it—“loosened flapper chain and tightened thingamabob nut.” My substantially lower bill will say, “toilet fixed.” You might ask if I can tell you what I did to make it work. But like any good toilet fixer who wants to stay in business, I have to reply: “Nope—can’t tell you how I did it. See you next time.” Hey, I’m not in the business of teaching YOU how to be a toilet fixer. The next job, which I could really get into, is “Repairman Sitter,” which is an idea my wife came up with. Everyone has had a plumber or cable guy or pest controller say, “I’ll be there between 1:30 p.m. and 5:00 p.m.” Now, especially if you work down the hill, having such a span of time for the appointment can be a royal pain. It can mean time taken off from work, lost sick time and more. Enter me, repairman sitter, who will arrive promptly at 1:30 p.m., use your hidden key and sit in your place until the repairman comes, stay there until the work is done, then lock up. You may have a few chores in mind for me while I’m waiting for the repairman, but for that I would have to charge extra. However, I would try to discourage such add-ons. My advertisement in the Courier-News classifieds would make it pretty clear what I believe this repairman-sitting service is all about: “Repairman Sitter. Negotiable hourly rate. Special rates for clients with imported beer or Jacuzzi or more than 200 channels of satellite TV. Half price for clients who provide all three.” “Firestarter” could be an eye-catching new profession in the classifieds. For all of those fans of the Stephen King book and the movie of the same name, we may have to change this job title—it might make them a little nervous. This is a needed profession here. I know some people (one in my own house) who couldn’t start a fire with a bale of straw, a lighter and a can of gasoline, much less in a fireplace with a few sticks and logs. Since moving into my drafty Crestline house I’ve become an expert firestarter. I’d just make it like a paper route. When the temperature at 5:00 p.m. is 48 degrees or less, the firestarter starts his route. At each house I would take five lengthwise and three depthwise pieces of kindling, two small logs one large log and two one-eighth portions of Starter Logg, light the little pieces and leave. No need to stay, because I have no doubt that in 10 minutes the client will have a roaring fire that will go for two hours and then need only minimal tending from then on. I could do 10 of these in an hour. Again, not to give away my secret, I might have to throw in a little theatrics—maybe do a couple of quick chants and flick a pinch or two of gunpowder into the fire to add a little mystical quality to it. That would probably work for when I’m the toilet fixer guy too—maybe some humming, incense, and a couple of exotic herbs left in the tank for show. Then they’ll think there is much more to this business than meets the eye. Also, I could wear a baseball cap with a phony braided and decorated ponytail sticking out the back—that always adds to the mystique. Another idea I had was the “Breakfast Maker.” Imagine you have a bunch of people up for the weekend. It’s Saturday morning. You knew last night when they arrived that you wouldn’t be in the mood this morning to either fix them all breakfast, or get out of your bathrobe, go out in the cold, and then pay $150 to treat them all at the restaurant. So last night you called for me—the breakfast maker. You sit by the fire and tell stories to your guests, while the breakfast maker does the rest. He’s not a chef or a caterer—just a guy who can make a great breakfast. I’d either work with whatever they have in their cupboards, or I could bring my own stuff—just depends on their price range. Of course I would always have my Cuisinart buddies, my waffle baker and a few extra foodstuffs handy just in case. I could make my favorite sautéed apples and vanilla-cinnamon waffles with whipped cream, or I could do the “make your own omelet bar” routine, bringing all of the chopped goodies with me. A word of caution: watch out if the breakfast maker asks to use your bathroom and spends an inordinate amount of time in there, especially if the breakfast wasn’t all that great. What you might have is an unscrupulous toilet fixer masquerading as a legitimate breakfast maker just to get access to your bathroom, where he giggles maniacally as he shortens your flapper chain. You’ll know when you get a call on Monday out of the blue from a toilet fixer asking how your toilet is doing. “Honey, doesn’t the toilet fixer look a lot like that lousy breakfast maker we had in here this weekend?” The husband looks. “Nah, that guy didn’t have a ponytail.” |
. © 2004 Winning Words For our search engine optimization and search engine placement services, go to:
|
